“Poor Mr. Bump – he’s always covered in bandages. He just can’t avoid bumping into hips, shoulders and elbows. On account of his accident-prone nature, he has cost many others weeks on suspension; but his luck changes when Mr. Fraser the Chairman of the Match Review Panel employs him to work through his concussion test. Now our bumping beauty spends his time wandering around the change rooms, and knocking all the Gatorade off the tables. Poor Mr. Bump can’t help getting hurt and none of the Mr. Men and Little Misses do care or not because he’s a bit clumsy and it wasn’t his fault.
The character is loosely based on a bloke who used to work for the library group my organisation rented a basement office from. The bloke used to haul furniture stored in the basement to various other library branches as required. Tables, chairs, shelves, cupboards – usually on his own. Consequently he was exposed to the bump more frequently than you or I. The first time I meet him he had a massive red blood shot canker like object in the middle of his forehead atop a slowly spreading purple base. That’s right – he’d hit his head while moving furniture. Maybe on the stairwell, the door jamb, an open door, the hatch on his van or even an inadvertent trip into a stationary piece of furniture. You’d go about your business and a few days later he’d show up again rustling through the basement for the exact furniture piece he was to consign. There’d be a new bump, roughly similar in size to the first one you’d witnessed but in a new position as though objects were controlled by some extra dimensional force to move around his head like the eye of Jupiter. The last time we saw him, presumably before he was retrenched, he had a hack in his head so demonstrable we knew it to be a result of an encounter with the corner of a table. How does that happen? How do you ask him? How do you keep your chin up in a job where you might take a bruise to match the one over your eye at any minute? What is the most simultaneous bruises he’s had? The questions you died to have answered but must lay unspoken. We never knew his name, his whole existence was narrowed by a work colleague to the simple phrase to narrate him – “Mr Bump”.
This week we know all the names of those who hurt the various fall guys who masqueraded as Mr Bump on grounds around the country. Felt like a free for all in the round immediately following the contentious Demon Jack Viney bump ban then overturn on appeal. The game under siege, a line in the sand between the physicality of the past, present and future if the bump is dumped. As we fall back from the brink the celebrations begin:
- Roughead wacks McGlynn in a very private lonely place momentarily.
– Chapman elbows Lion Jack Redden channelling world championship wrestling on a dark day.
– LeCrais thumps in the head GWS Will Hoskin-Elliott almost “on principle” and with a flair that exhibits maximum joy in its execution.
– Duffield head hunts Port’s Chad Wingard like a cowpoke at the end of his wits with a recalcitrant steer.
– Liam Jones crazy hoon hammering Dee Dean Terlick into Lady GaGa land.
Happy birthday Mr Bump!
Tom Hafey died this week. Lots of great stories today on Radio about experiences with him along the beach he swam at and the running course he frequented. Of talking about life. Of not mentioning the word Richmond and Collingwood in conversation with strangers. But that’s where his infamy came from, along with that “in any weather” tee shirt. 4 winning Grand Finals at Richmond, 5 losing Grand Finals at Collingwood – they played it twice in 1977 and lost both times. His 73/74 Richmond side was the closest to outlaws we’d seen in the VFL – all those huge biceps, zapata moustaches, cheek, guile and skill. Tommy made that.
Endless sense of community and media angst permeating football yet good games are there for the taking/watching. The moaning about food prices and the AFL’s new pricing strategy and game classification however is justified. The game however this season has been terrific but the inequities between those at the top and bottom of the ladder is a concern…..
…..for what if the franchise clubs are just shite? GWS spanked by 111 points by the West Coast. Perhaps we’re only now just understanding the miracles “Sheeds” worked with the Giants last year. Going backwards, playing to no-one in Canberra and absolute die-hards in Western Sydney. Thankfully those “orange people” rob wearing cheer squad members behind the goals have been moved on as a marketing concept. However, chants, incense, drums and cheap vego meals could be one way to con fans into Spotless Stadium. Gotta string such wins together a la Gold Coast as the young out of contract rats might start deserting the listing orange ship for the riches south and west.
Reformed goal approach stuttering showboat Eagle Josh Kennedy kicks 11 for the Eagles without a stutter, shuffle, tic or ear shaped run up.
Field of women is a magnificent initiative from Melbourne on the back of Mothers days classic. A powerful symbolism and a great game to follow.
Saints Jack Billings referred to as the “Billings Method” in commentary by Anthony Hudson on Fox during Carlton game as Jack kicked for goal. What is the metaphor here? The % conversion rates on shots on goals? Before Mothers day if you don’t mind Anthony. Apply the method and there’s no Mother. Dont want to give Anthony ideas but if Jack is dropped does he become the withdrawal method? Should he be chasing the pill? Don’t get him confused with the Kangaroo’s Leigh “Patch” Adams.