3 clubs, 23 rounds, A slab of passion….

Leave your Pets at home

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Hoodie Bulldogs-500x500Collingwood purport to have over 70,000 paid up members yet only 28,339 fans in toto made it into Etihad stadium for this game. The game had a late start but really you’d reckon a few more of the faithful would show up to watch a win they would have penciled in the day the draw was released. Sweet joy on the third level watching atom forms below circling each other and occasionally clash to manifest themselves into contested ball.
Could it be that the estimated 20,000 or so Pie member’s pet dogs rumoured to have signed up refused to attend and go against their co-species in Western Bulldog form despite being lead on the leash by the tyranny of their masters?

Perhaps your typical Collingwood member dog requires the science fiction of the Western Bulldog identify stripping hoodie so that they remain loyal enough to WOOF WOOF for their co-dogs while remainng pup anonymous swiping the Pies barcode at the turnstiles for free entry? And what of the disenfranchised Geelong Cat’s cats of domiciled at Collingwood members houses? Sure to impact on attendance in the trad Birds V Cats clash ahead of us. Forget the debate about the AFL’s graduated ticketing policy, I’m sure the nation’s pets are rebelling against being forced to go against type and be a card carrying member of a team that to their very DNA, they cannot support. Shame Collingwood Shame.

The stain of this country’s commitment to animal welfare becomes more pronounced when you take into account the various budgerigars, guinea pigs, gold fish, lizards, snakes, goats, white mice – even god damned Magpies themselves –  sold into a membership slave trade designed purely to pump up the tyres of ego fragile AFL clubs determined to be on top of the member premiership ladder come the AFL’s July 31st membership audit deadline.

In 2013 AFL club membership had reached 756,717 members nationally. How many of these actually had the 23 pairs of chromosomes required? Have AFL clubs – in collusion with a docile Scientific community asleep at the wheel and reeling from cuts to the CSIRO – engaged in the lab breeding of  so called “super pets” who can mimic the masking of that 23rd pair, the sex chromosomes for the sole purpose of boosting member numbers? And why isn’t ASADA or enShaWADA up in our dogs faces demanding a swab at the turnstiles?

Some claim pet memberships are not included in official AFL club membership numbers that are published after the audit cut off date. “They” also told us the age of entitlement is over! Who the hell do these pets think they are? Or are they – as I tend to understand – a victim of a cruel conspiracy designed to generate endless streams of income for fat and skinny AFL clubs alike?

charliewabbitaAnd don’t fall for warm and fuzzy “feel good” stories about how excited pets are to be members. If they could escape and join an animal collective to fight back do you think that they wouldn’t! No better place to wake up to reality that to meet Perth based Charles Wabbit, or Charlie to his friends, a pet that took up a prized Fremantle ‘Purple Paws’ membership back in 2012. Charlie is enjoying the spoils with his “collapsible” water bowl and as yet unfouled Dockers “throw” blanket. Call me a rank amateur iridology enthusiast but I’m hopin that its camera flash flare captured here in Charlie’s eyes here otherwise we’re talking myxomatosis. Get out the shovel for the ol heave ho then I’m afraid and another pet membership lapses down another excuse burrow. God aint making any more land but there’s plenty of rabbits to go around for ALL the clubs. You see?!?

My own pet – Max the Cat who passed last year before her beloved Paul Chapman was delisted – was denied a pet membership on the household principle that the Geelong Cats wouldn’t be getting any of our money. There was never any doubt where her allegiances lay from 2007 when she came in after 4am following the Grand Final with the pungent after whiff of possum, field mouse and lizard on her celebrating breath.

Virtually all clubs sell pet memberships ranging in cost from $25 to $45 dollars. Most assume it’s a dog signing up and that they won’t/can’t/shan’t  attend a game. Entitlements depending on the club can include a leash, blanket, a collar, exclusive magnet photo frame and the ubiquitous canvas “collapsible” water bowl. Richmond generously provides you pet with a soft pet pillow presumably to enable a comfortable passing after continuous exposure to failure at Punt Road. Yes, even pets get depressed if they dont get a run in September. Tiger pets do get a fridge magnet handy only if your doghouse is skinned in bluescope steel.

Take a look at some of these pet memberships and tell me you don’t smell a rat…or a white mouse. Start with this warm and fuzzy invitation from the main offender – the Collingwood Football Club:

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Meanwhile over at Essendon, Pet Membership is sold out this year? How might this parallel the “show paws” infraction notices that 34 Essendon pet members have been issued as a result of banned substances consumed, presumably, from these very bowls! The tragedy is compounded when you consider disgruntled howling club intel that suggests many of these pets did not know they had been signed up as members!

And what of the mysterious Paris based “dog whisperer” who reputedly oversaw the membership drive constantly haranguing club insiders via SMS to up the ante and go beyond the staple pet membership entitlements (leash, bowl, fridge magnet – remember?) and get a steal on the other clubs?

Special half cutting edge pet trainers – now having left the club in shame – were also hired to oversee the membership drive that saw many of the 34 drawn into a web of ignorance to the point of not being able to differentiate – during park run recovery sessions – between the wholesome life renewing taste of PAL from the various hallelujah! compounds offered by club insiders (derived from a back door cocktail of various pseudo scientific recovery agents)  including the colostrum expressed by mothers of newly born calves?

And what will become of the (dog) whistle blower once condemned by law and now ready to doggy bag scoop up the skinny on the whole pet membership entitlement supplements scandal!

Finally, what will the courts make of the (where dog name is provided) certificate that could proffer evidence that could implicate the pets?!

Screen Shot 2014-06-16 at 5.58.50 PMFor now I believe we should PUT THE PETS FIRST!!

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